Greetings from the Humungus, the Warrior of the Wasteland, the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a. Ruler-in-Waiting of California.
You set out this month to find a new leader for Califronia. A new leader strong enough to haul your economy out of the wasteland.
I am that new leader, and I offer you a choice: give me the state, and I will give you safe passage into the future.
Do not talk to me about Arnold. Like Arnold, I have big muscles and like him, my speech is labored. But there the similarity ends.
Unlike him, I have a platform. My platform has 300 horsepower, nitrous oxide injection, and is draped with the writhing bodies of my luckless victims.
Do not let your foolish pride bring down on you the same fate they suffer.
There has been too much violence, too much pain, too many paid signature gatherers. None here is without sin.
But, I have an honorable compromise: give me your votes, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk to the polling booth.
I will give you a balanced budget and safe streets. Just walk to the booth and vote for Humungus.
I am not a typical politician. I am the outsider's outsider, hailing as I do from the wasteland. Look at this photo. What do you see?
Lord Humungus: Pro Gun Rights.
My stance on guns is unambiguous. It is a Weaver stance. From the waist up I am a turret. From the waist down, a tank.
From this position, armed with my .44 magnum, I can shoot down insolent Democrats with the ease I shoot down gyrocopters.
Lord Humungus: Tough on Crime.
I know your pain. We all lose someone we love. Just give me your vote, and there will be an end to the horror.
No one escapes the Humungus, least of all those who insolently pull gas from my desert.
You will be safe with me. You have my word. But...we do it my way.
Lord Humungus: The Motorist's Friend.
I fight for motorists' rights daily. I will repeal the car tax. I will repeal all taxes, replacing them with a simple sytem of tribute.
No collectors. No forms. The guzzoline flows free. Give your vote to me, and I will fix your energy problems, just as I will spare your life.
I may even put some of the go-juice in your machine, if you please me.
Lord Humungus: Desert Access is Your Right.
The Humungus rules the wasteland. You and your machine cross at the Humungus's pleasure, not that of some eastern envirocrat from the Highway Farce.
With your vote, I will be pleased, and my burden will be light.
I am a reasonable man. But do not test my patience. Enough talk. You have until election day to decide.